


Loving can hurt

by viflow



Series: 911 fics [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Buddie - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Episode: S03e05 Rage Coda, M/M, POV Lena
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 08:02:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21176090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viflow/pseuds/viflow
Summary: Sure, she saw the softening of his expression. The almost longing quality in his eyes. The small, indulgent smile. The deep rooted worry and angst—every time, Eddie was speaking about Buck.But she didn’t get it then.





	Loving can hurt

**Author's Note:**

> I've recently started to watch this show, and after this weeks episode, it just struck me in the face, how much in love these two are with eachother. So, I wrote a fic.

Sure, she saw the softening of his expression. The almost longing quality in his eyes. The small, indulgent smile. The deep rooted worry and angst—every time, Eddie was speaking about Buck.

But she didn’t get it then.

With every quick, sideways glances, she was privy to how many times Eddie's thumb hovered over the picture of Buck in his contact list, in a slow, almost stroking motion. She could also observe the way Eddie’s shoulders went just a little bit stiffer than it’s already been for the whole evening —every time he was waging some kind of inside war. Her eyes caught the way Eddie was biting his lip, the hard, angry look in his eyes, and the stubborn, determined jutting of his jaw, as he decided no to call Buck.

She should've known when her head snapped up at the crack in Eddie’s voice. When at a closer look she’d see the desperation in Eddie's eyes, as he was complaining about not being allowed to contact Buck.

And sure, something- something very important was nagging in the back of her mind, some sort of realization that felt extremely important… But she didn’t have time to dwell on it because she was called on for her fight.

So, though she felt like some kind of pieces started to drop into place, she didn’t get it then.

Not until later.

But really, who could blame her? Who could blame her for not seeing what was right in front of her eyes, when most of the time, it was perfectly hidden under a bland, thick mask, honed to perfection by year’s long military experiences and discipline.

She realized though the tension that’s been slowly simmering under Eddie’s skin, like a volcano trying to cap itself, sooner than later, destined to erupt in a devastating, raging catapult.

But of course, all those signs she put down as a natural reaction to all the circumstances and recent tragedies, Eddie’s got punched hard in the guts by fate.

If you work daily together with somebody, always balancing on the precarious scale of survive or death, you must have each other’s back. And in most cases it's inevitable that you grow close and develop a special bond with your partner. If your partner got seriously injured. If you’ve recently lost your wife. If you almost lost your only child, who just happened to be spending time with above mentioned partner at the unfortunate time and place of a massive and life demanding, destructive tsunami hit, and learned, that both of them were on the verge to almost getting lost to you forever. If your child was going through a massive PTSD, and was still your friend —of course, then all the signs of Eddie’s mix of suppressed tension, grief and anger-- felt only natural.

So, Lena really wasn’t surprised, what’s more, thus the reason she invited Eddie to this fighting place as an outlet for his rage… Or so, at least, it was how she was trying to reassure herself, despite the fact that some of the pieces slowly started to drop into place.

But it didn’t truly click until she saw them together.

Until they came across Buck in a grocery shop.

Until Buck’s voice carried through the shop.

Until, the instant Eddie’s heard it and has stopped in mid sentence about what he was saying, and like a man possessed, he was striding though the aisles, and the moment his eyes caught Buck across the shop, he was hooked. Like he couldn’t bear to look away. Like Buck was a flame and he was a moth. 

And though Lena couldn’t help but being totally charmed and swept off her feet by Buck’s adorable, childishly innocent character and his cute, feeble excuses, when her eyes snapped sideways to her partner, she realized just how much this wasn’t the case with Eddie though.

He was tense, so tense like the strings of a guitar wound too tight, just about ready to snap. There were deep set lines of anger on his brows, a hard, unforgiving look in his eyes. His fingers were clasped together so tightly over the trolley’s handle that his knuckles turned white.

Still, it wasn’t any of that that clued her in.

She’d seen Eddie tensed and worried over Buck before. She’d seen him angry and pissed off at Buck because of his decision before. And really, it was hard not to notice how Eddie’s mood become more sour and unpredictable as the days wore on, since he got the notice of Buck suing their team, and wasn’t allowed to get in touch with him.

Sure, she’s noticed all of that.

And all of that said that Eddie cared. Said how badly all these shit was affecting him.

But none of it clued her in in the way it did, when with a look that was sharper than a knife, Eddie snapped at Buck. "Yeah? What'd you think was gonna happen?’’ His voice ricocheting around the store like a gunshot, gaining him Buck’s attention, and the two locked eyes with eachother.

And then, suddenly all at once, everything clicked into pace.

Because the instant those two laid eyes on eachother and got lost to everybody else around them in some kind of an intense glaring match— Lena was hit with a wave of sexual chemistry, so pure and raw, so strong and sharp, for a second she couldn’t even gasp from the blow, and actually took a step backward. And as those two kept staring at eachother in some kind of silent conversation that nobody else but them was privy to, she’d suddenly feel, almost literally feel, the hot, almost liquid, sexual tension and reckless emotions that were leaking out of those two, sliding into the stone, metal and glass around them.

A wide, rushing river of it. Making the air in the store almost frizzle and crack.

When she chanced a glance to the others, from the quick, knowing look exchanged between those three: from the amusement in Bobby’s eyes, the exasperated roll of Chimney’s eyes and twitching of his lips in his effort not to smile, the long, resigned sigh Hen let out to herself — clearly told Lena, that by this point, all of them were aware just alright, and were pretty much used to the overwhelming UST and fights between Eddie and Buck.

But for her, it was still a bloody, mind-blowing revelation and surprise.

When her eyes landed on Eddie again, his mouth was tight, lips pressed into a thin line before he said, leveling Buck with an icy look. ‘’The lawsuit's bad enough, but you told your lawyer everything about us... Personal things.’’

To that, Buck gave Eddie an honest to God, innocently puzzled look. ’’You're supposed to be truthful with your lawyer.’’ That made something strangely gentle brim through Lena’s chest. But then Buck’s eyes narrowed and he let out an angry huff. ‘’Why are you so pissed at me?’’

But Eddie was on a raging roll now, unable to realize the despair in Buck’s eyes. ‘’Because you're exhausting.’’ Eddie snapped again, voice cold and hard like steel, his eyes blazing with anger. Then in a blink of an eye he was striding toward Buck and stopping before him within a foot distance. ‘’We all have our own problems, but you don't see us whining about it. No, somehow, we just manage to suck it up.’’ His back taut as a bowstring, his whole posture aggravated, he emphasized his words with wild, angry motions of his hands.

It was a low blow, and for a long moment Buck looked like Eddie just slapped him in the face. And the kicked puppy look he got on his face, the hurt that flickered through his big, too blue, soulful eyes, made Lena totally pissed off at Eddie on Buck’s behalf, as some unexpected, strangely protective instinct rose inside her. She was just about to interject in Buck’s defence when...

‘’That's kinda harsh.’’ Chimney, the eternal peacemaker cut through the bickering, ‘’It's not like the guy asked to be crushed by a ladder truck.’’

Not even spending Chimney a look, jaw clenching even harder in a lock, his hardened gaze glued on Buck face, Eddie countered back. ‘’No, but he filed a stupid lawsuit.’’ And though his voice rose almost to a shouting now, it was cracking a little, sounding brittle around the edges as he was addressing Buck again. ‘’And now I can't even talk to you because of it. You know how much Christopher misses you? How could you? You're not around.’’

Eyes comically widened in a blend of guilt and some kind of astonished realization, for a long moment Buck was blinking helplessly, then totally devastated, he took a deep, shaky breath before he stuttered. ‘’I— I didn't realize that. Maybe I can come and visit Christopher.’’ His voice slightly wavered, his shoulders slumped, when he stumbled out. ’’You know... the lawsuit doesn't prevent that.''

So, now you you see, till this point after everything Lena observed during these last weeks, she always considered Eddie a tough, strongly put together guy. In fact, it was pretty hard to imagine him letting go of the tight leash of his self control. So, surely, it was totally understandable when she did an astounded double-take at the vehemency Eddie was shouting now, rounding hard on Buck.

‘’No, it prevents me from reaching out to you.’’ Falling over the verge and totally losing it now, he even blurted out. ‘’I couldn't even call you to bail me out of jail.’’ Then with a quick, sideways glance, but already too late to recover from his faltering, though attempting, he added. ‘’If, that was something that happened.’’

Baffled, frowning, ’’What… What?!’’ jaw hanging open, ‘’What are you talking about?’’ Buck asked again with a puzzled look. Then for a long moment they were doing _that_ thing again, where they were staring at eachother like the first one to blink was obliged to clean the other’s flat for a year. Then Buck’s back jammed straight, and a dangerously strained muscle started to tic in his face as he demanded in equal measures hurt, aching frustration and reprimand. ’’Look, man, why can't you see my side of this?’’

And then with the damn broken, his fury almost foaming now, before Buck could even take a breath, quick as lighting, Eddie closed even their remaining distance, jutting out an accusing finger into Buck’s face. ‘’ ‘Cause that's all you see.’’ He barked out, too harsh, too loud.

Lena's never going to know now, what would've happened between those two if there wasn’t a crushing sound outside, breaking off their fights.

But after watching these two men fight, with a small, awed smile tugged at her mouth, seeing all the emotions those two men had for eachother, hidden beneath all those angry glares, hidden under every stinging accusation, hurt and resentment— broken and tattered and frayed as it might be at the moment — there was love between them.

Love. Deep and abiding.

Steady and loyal and supportive.

Hot and passionate.

And Lena understood with a kind of astounded delight, she’s just had a first-hand view of- what Eddie and Buck looked like, when they were deeply, maddeningly and ridiculously in love.

They might be two oblivious disaster in pieces at the moment, but they’ll come around. They gonna sort everything out. Because for them there is only one person, only the other, to be capable and allowed to pick up the fragmented pieces of the other, and build something new, something beautiful and strong and permanent.

She could see it all. A warm, cozy home of their own. At the end of the day, Christopher racing out to the hall to meet them. Family meals around a table. Noise and laugh in the kitchen. Watching TV cuddled lazily on the sofa together. Burning, mind blowing sex in the bedroom. Those two madly, irrecoverably in love.

Was it something Eddie’s wife could also see, the reason why Buck’s girlfriend left, Lena mused. Because surely, they must’ve also realized the ultimate truth that she understood now with startling clarity: that from the moment these two met, nobody else had a chance.

Because for both of these men, there would never be another.

Maybe unknown even to Buck and Eddie, the other might be the first, but sure like Hell, would be the last to take the whole of their soul, passion and heart.

They were linked with eachother in a way that went beyond physical, even the emotional. It was lifted too highly over what anybody ever could fight.

Even if Lena wanted to fight. But she didn’t. Whatever it was that bound these two men so strongly together— from now on, she was on a mission to push these two oblivious idiot to move and finally meet on that path, that's been carved out for Eddie and Buck, by something bigger than them.


End file.
